sometimes i think it's a shame
july 13, 2000

I watched Cat on a Hot Tin Roof last night once my air conditioner got fixed. (It's been broken).

The whole thing about the "truth being just as dirty as the lies" hit home.

All of the mundacity, the hypocrisy, the feigned caring about the person next to you -- everything I despise and hate. Everything that makes me scared.

The truth of the matter is that I don't trust a lot of people. That aspect of my personality really came to a head last night. I trust a couple of people, tops, when they say to me "I care about you", "I believe in you", "You are an addition to my life that I never want to lose".

And that's a good thing. I have at least a couple of people in my life that really feel this. A lot of people out there don't even have that.

But what about the people that I care about? What about the people that I want to be able to have that trust with? Not just in a boy/girl relationship, but I'm talking about just normal friendships here. Does that really exist? Or are people so hardened inside that you can never trust them? I want to care about people and not get hurt by their own short-sighted selfishness. I want them to know that I trust in them, believe in them, and that I'll never let them down. I don't want them to let me down either.

Maybe this is just a bunch of philosophical b.s., but these questions have been springing up for me for about a year now. And I'm sick of dealing with the fear that I have when I talk to someone and get close to them. Maybe I'm not a good judge of character. Maybe I should stop making friends altogether for a while, because you know what? The more I give out to a person, even if it's just confiding the smallest thing to them, that part of me feels open and vulnerable. That part of me feels like it's fat and dirty and naked and is waiting to be spat on and laughed at. And then when that person goes away, you feel naked, fat, dirty, and alone with people staring as they pass by saying "what a fatso".

I am not a fatso. I am just a bad judge of character. I'm tired of not being able to say "you know, the reason I seem pissy is because you have made me a fool, and I see that". I'm tired of feeling like a psycho for feeling that in the first place. I'm tired of being very open with a friend one moment, and then the next, having to speak ambiguously about distant topics just for the sake of conversation.

If you don't care about me, don't act like you do. Go on with your bad self. I'll be fine. Just don't streudel me along. Please.

Like I said, I am blessed with a couple of true relationships with people. If I don't fit with your plans, as far as a friend should go, then I won't get too upset. I'll be happier if you're honest with me.

I'm just tired of feeling defensive and stupid for feeling too much. I am starting to think that I am just way too sensitive for my own good. Why can't people be more true? Why is it that you only encounter true friendships when you are too young or stupid to realize how special it is?

Right now, I feel super sensitive and I hope it passes. Because you know what? I don't feel like going through heartache over a lost friendship again. Over a lost relationship. Over anything. I want to have dreams and hopes and be able to carry them through without a lump in my throat from some person who decided to come along, tug at my heartstrings, and then say nevermind. I have no respect for that, and I don't understand it.

People can be very cruel.


Listening to: My Sonicnet Station (You can too!)

Tonight: Hopefully getting out of here soon to a house with a working air conditioner. And then I'm going to sit. And that's all.

Realizing: I'm probably not getting paid until Monday.

Thinking: Of taking the phone off the hook for the weekend.