you were always on my mind
july 6, 2000

I can be a stubborn little thing sometimes. If my heart is set on something, I do it. I won't take any excuses for things not working out the way I know it should. I've been like this most of my life and I'm not sure if it's such a good trait.

I have resigned myself to follow a decision made by the person I care very deeply for. I don't like it. It makes me want to get sick (in fact, I have) but all at the same time, I see his perspective. And I know he's right.

I'm in love with someone who is at a phase in their life where they need to concentrate on other things than a silly girl. He finished school. He is moving to Los Angeles. He is going to start his career and leave his family and friends behind. He's already got enough on one plate to push a normal person over the edge without having to worry about a girlfriend living a few hundred miles away. He's not being selfish -- he's making a very mature decision. And that only makes it worse for me to know that it's the right thing to do.

As for myself, it might not be a good idea to have a significant other for a while. While he was here, he asked me what I wanted for myself. I want a really souped-up mixer for my kitchen. I want a bigger book collection. A few small items here and there, nothing completely out of my grasp. But what I really want is to be happy. I'm sick of going back and forth with my parents. I love them and I miss them, but things between us just aren't getting better. I feel frustrated most of the time with them because we plan to do something and they pull out at the last second. It happened for the third time in two weeks on the Fourth of July, and I just lost it. I cried and cried and he held me as I told him how hurt I felt from it.

I am sick of getting so bent out of shape from certain things in my life. My family is only one. On top of that, it hurts me to see some of my friends making decisions that might not be such a good idea. I have watched one of my guy friends spiral downwards for a few years now and I've made excuses for him for a long time, trying to justify why he might be doing this. But I realized that he likes stirring up trouble and making himself and others miserable. And by putting myself in the midst of it -- well, I think I owe it to myself to just remove myself and let him make his decisions. When we talk, it just brings me down to hear him discuss his twisted ideas and lack of morals. So I'm going to stop being around that. I think of myself as a better person than to put up with that kind of b.s.

One thing I have to say I've learned is how to appreciate love more. I know how it feels to really really love someone now, and to never want to do anything to them to hurt them. To want to make them happy. And that has spread over into my other relationships with friends and my sister and ... well, just about everyone. I'm not the easiest person to like sometimes -- I shut others out so I avoid getting hurt -- and I can really see now how much it would hurt if someone did that back to me.

I haven't felt like this about anyone since I dated Christian. He was my first love, my high school sweetheart. It was like we were best friends more than anything. And I look at Ryan the same way -- someone I really respect and trust. He's my best friend. And I haven't lost that. It's just that it doesn't make any sense to "date" if we aren't anywhere near each other. I don't love him any less. And I don't think it's going to be expected of me to do so. It's just not the time for this to happen. I think it will later.

But I suppose I shouldn't think about it. I should concentrate on what is at hand and not wish for something in the future. I can't help it though. Although it might not be such a good trait to have, I am an optimist. And I know how my heart feels. And I'm going to follow it. It's worth it.

Oh, thanks to Andy for sending this to me. He brought a digital camera to the Marky Ramone show last week and took this picture of us. We (Amanda, me, and Ryan) all look kind of crappy, but bear in mind that it was late at night and right after some jerkoff stepped on my ankle. We all look like fat Ramones fans. Lovely!


Listening to: Stevie Wonder

Tonight: Rajesh and I might go see a Small Time Crooks, or I might go with Amanda to see Ween. I don't really feel like going to a concert though. I really just feel like going home and laying in bed and getting the rest of this tearful junk out of the way.

Planning: Raj and I talked this morning about making the road trip to LA in September to visit Ryan, Zac, and Kris. 28 hours on the open highway through deserts and truck stops. I'm already getting excited.

Two Cents: I went to Six Flags on Monday with my little brother and his friends and found out that my 16 year old brother's girlfriend is a 21 year old girl going through a divorce. She's got a homemade Tweety Bird tattoo on her ankle and has crispy permed blonde hair with pink streaks in it. She wore a Playboy t-shirt. Hi, uhm, have we ever learned what the word "class" meant? Not much of a first impression. Especially when she started talking about sleeping with him while she was in line next to me.

Oh, and to top it off, her name is Chrissy too. Uggghh. The whole thing makes me sick. I nearly clocked her a couple of times, but I kept it in check and as soon as I could, I called my mom to ask what on earth they were thinking by letting this happen. Things were a little more strict when I was under their roof, that's for sure.