all i wanted was the simple things
july 7, 2000

Things are better today.

I woke up to No Doubt's new song and just busted out crying. Look at these lyrics:

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didnít work out, Iím covered in shells
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife
Iím so ashamed, Iíve been so mean
I donít know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, Iím hunting you down
Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?
I always thought Iíd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like youíd be a good dad
Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
Howíd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

Now I'm not saying that I'm proclaiming this as my new themesong or anything, but goodness, those are some pretty honest lyrics. I can say that they really got to me a couple of times there.

I was talking to Rajesh last night and was telling him that I was upset because I didn't have any passions or any real talents and I didn't have any idea what I was going to do with myself.

He said that I wanted to be a mother. I want to have a family and make things nice for them.

I said that I had never said anything of the sort.

And he said that I didn't have to. I mommy everyone else. That's what I'm good at.

I told this to Ryan today and he agreed.

Is this a bad thing?


I think Ryan and I are going to be fine, though. I have been walking around for the past 24 hours feeling really hardened and scared and numb. I didn't want to be, but I couldn't help it. Logic wasn't helping my emotions out at all. Never discount emotions, I've learned that. Otherwise, you might miss out on something special -- if not at that point, but later on down the road.

He sent me a message this afternoon and we talked after that about everything. I hung up crying at one point and then he called me back. We're both going to take some time to assess everything and go day by day as to what to do. Which is fine -- that's what I was doing before he got here.

It's harder now though, because we've spent so much time together and are so used to the other person. I keep forgetting that I'm not going home to him to watch a movie or go out with some friends. When I go home, he won't be there with his baseball cap on watching tv. He's 1000 miles away in Indiana with his own friends and family. And I don't know when I'm going to see him again.

But he did leave some things behind for me. Any guy that gives me Nietzsche and Echinnacea is alright in my book.

And that's not the only thing that made my day better. My mom and I talked a couple of times! She is coming over tomorrow with some furniture for me that used to be my great-grandparents'. They're going to help me replace a shower head and clean the filter on the air conditioner. I don't have the first idea on how to do this sort of stuff, so I'm pretty happy about learning tomorrow. Not to mention just seeing my family. Carolyn might even spend the night with me, which would be the ultimate pick-me-up. We can have a preschool throwdown and rent some cartoons and eat some pizza, and then go to bed early. Can anything top that? No!

So tonight I'm going to clean the house a little and then go see The Patriot with Rajesh. And then I'm off to bed. I'm exhausted from all of this stupid drama.

Listening to: My Sonicnet Station (You can too!)

Tonight: The Patriot -- I even have a free pass thanks to my AMC Moviewatcher's Card

Realizing: I haven't had anything to eat since the Egg McMuffin I forced myself to swallow down at DFW airport yesterday morning.

Two Cents: When the network goes down at work, it's a good time to catch up on phone calls with people and clean your desk. Call me Ms. Organization now! I have documents in binders and others in their proper folders locked away -- it's like a brand new desk.

Is she not the cutest thing you've ever seen?

That's my baby sister Carolyn. She's cooler than any of us will ever be. She told me on the phone the other day that she has a boyfriend (!!) named Trevor and a new Scooby Doo coloring book.

I love this kid.