sunrise doesn't last all morning
june 20, 2000

Friday, June 16 - Head aches. Nose runs. Slight cough. "Hmm ... feels like my allergies are at it again!"

Saturday, June 17 - Woke up with my head not just aching, but hurting. Runny nose has decided to settle in and turn itself into congestion in head and chest. Cough aggravated by invading mucus. Very sleepy all day.

Sunday, June 18 - Woke up with head on brink of exploding from so much pressure. Cannot breathe through nose. Sore throat from mouth-breathing while asleep. Ribs hurt from coughing attack in middle of night.

Monday, June 19 - Tried to combat daily head ouchies with a strong cup of coffee. Have given up on the concept of breathing through nose, and throat is feeling more raw by the hour. I sound like an old woman when I talk. Barely put make-up on because even my skin hurts. My eyes are watering. I want to sleep, but somehow manage to work two hours of overtime and not pass out. Stop cough with Cough Syrup, which is also a sedative and makes me sleepy. Combat that sleepy feeling (as well as that "I can't breathe" feeling) with albuterol inhaler. Albuterol makes me jittery. Feel like I'm going to break into a seizure at any moment. Throw up a combination of coca-cola and mucus. Lymph nodes are so swollen, I swear they could double for those screws on Frankenstein's monster's neck. Pass out on bed as soon as I get home. Wake up numerous times throughout the night thinking I'm going to die. Angie (little sister) brings me some medicine at 3:30 am when she gets home and hears me coughing and crying in my sleep. Puts a warm washcloth on my neck and offers to make me some chamomile tea to help soothe my throat. I feel delirious and hot and cannot breathe and realize I am crying because I feel so yucky, and she tucks me in further and sits with me until I fall asleep. I love my sister.

Tuesday, June 20 - Feverish. Head pounding. Ears are draining and aching. Eyes burning. Nasal passages feel like they're being raked. There is not enough Vick's in this world to help me at this point. I fantasize throughout the afternoon of my beautiful soft white down comforter, on top of freshly laundered blue and white Laura Ashley sheets. The thought of cuddling my overstuffed pink teddy bear, decked out in my nice pink Gap pajama pants, head positioned near the vaporizer, is almost too much for me to handle. Shangri-la. The only thing that would improve the situation is if my mom were to show up and give me a head massage and play with my hair until I fell asleep, like she used to do for me when I was younger. I call her up to get some sympathy. She lays it on thick. I love my mommy. I then realize that I have a lot of work to do, and it's only a couple of hours until I can technically go home. My eyes are scratchy. My throat feels like sandpaper. My medicine has made me loopy and not too much of a conversationalist. I stare for a good five minutes at my left shoe, admiring the design.

And so here I am. I am only fractionally coherent, so bear with me if my tangents seem to shift suddenly.

I've spent the afternoon trying to keep all of my work in check, juggling one call after another, report after report, and you know what? I MISS ERIN! This is definitely a two-person job, and they had better have someone in the office soon to fill your spot when you've left for good. I can't handle this pressure for much longer on my own. It's making my head hurt even worse.

On top of that, my Sonicnet station just played "November Rain" and "All Things Must Pass" back to back. I openly admit to the fact that "November Rain" makes me cry. It shouldn't. It should be something I roll my eyes at and say it's not as close-to-home as a Belle and Sebastian song. But you know what? Fuck it. That song turns me into the biggest emotional drip and I'm proud of it. And then to follow it up with "All Things Must Pass"? What are they trying to do to me? Break my heart and then make me feel better? "All Things Must Pass" is one of the most lyrically inspiring songs I've ever heard, and that's why it's part of my favorite album. Perfection. It makes me want to find that aforementioned white down comforter and cuddle up and cry into it.

I have no reason for wanting to cry right now, I don't think. I just don't feel well. And dammit, my ear's draining again. This is so disgusting. I'm going to go home and put cotton in them, and when I get to work tomorrow, maybe I'll look like that chubby kid in daycare that used to sit next to me. He always had cotton in his ears because they dripped randomly and always wiped his snot on the nap mats. He threw gravel at me once for no good reason (probably because I wasn't playing with the other kids -- I liked to mope in the corner and read a book instead of fraternizing with the others) and I was mad at him until he came to day care one day with an eye patch on. Turns out he got too close to the fireworks his dad was setting off for the Fourth of July and it blew his eye out, or something like that. I figured at that point, I didn't have to be mad at him. He only had one eye and I had two. And he still had an ear drip.

Not that it improves the fact that I too, quite some years later, have one. Ah, cruel fate!

I talked for a while to my sister this afternoon. You know, sometimes she can say something that really makes sense. Even though she is 18 and has the capability to get on every one of my last nerves, I think she might just turn out okay. She told me some of her concerns and observations about me and it made a lot of sense. I don't really feel like discussing it on here (yet) but she kind of confirmed some of my own ideas and perceptions that I was too afraid to bring up around anyone. It was like talking to my mom, almost. How weird it is that people can have enough insight to give advice -- I know I'm the last one that usually knows what to say -- but I'm truly in admiration of anyone that can say something that really triggers some thought.

And on that note, accompanied by "Standing Here" by the Stone Roses (what a sweet song!), I think I'm going to upload this and finish my work for the day. Night, folks.